How to Build Confidence in Girls

I have a five-year-old son and a two-year-old daughter, and I find myself parenting the two of them a bit differently. With my son, I tend to emphasize warmth — I encourage him to let people know that he loves them, investigate his feelings when he’s upset, and check on kids who are struggling. For my daughter, I encourage assertiveness — not that she needs much help on this front. It delights me to see her stride into a room with a confident swagger, try to scale a towering playscape, or shout that she needs space.

Why does girls’ confidence start to drop at age six?

The world may discourage my children from developing these traits, to their detriment. When boys don’t express themselves or build community, it can harm their mental health. For girls, self-assurance drops early — by about 30% between the ages of 8 and 14, leaving them 27% less confident than boys — thanks to external messaging about their abilities. The research, from The Confidence Code by Katty Kay and Claire Shipman, is corroborated by the 2023 Girls’ Index from ROX, which found girls’ self-reported confidence has fallen from 68% to 55% in six years. Starting at age six, girls start to become more risk-averse, and show less belief in their skills, intelligence, and talent than boys. I’m trying to help my daughter build a big stockpile of self-esteem, so that she has plenty to spare when she starts to receive biased messages about what girls should and shouldn’t do.

How can you build confidence in a girl?

Our Lean In Girls leadership program is full of proven tips for guarding against this confidence decline. I plan to borrow these strategies when raising my daring little girl into a bold young woman.

Give her the chance to do hard things

This helps girls build self-efficacy — the belief that they can succeed. For my daughter, this might mean buckling her own seat belt or getting herself dressed. For a teen, it might be taking a challenging class or trying a new sport.

Show her that she matters

When girls see that their contributions are useful, it builds a sense of worth. For my daughter, this might mean helping a friend or completing a chore. For a teen, it might look like volunteering in the community or owning an important task, like feeding a pet.

Encourage her to manage social interactions

For my girl, this means approaching a classmate at preschool or ordering at a restaurant (chicken fingers, obviously). For a teen, this could be independently emailing a teacher or arranging a meetup with friends.

Let her see us do hard things

My husband and I push ourselves a lot — whether it’s taking on a professional challenge or training for a marathon (him, not me!). The hope is that, in seeing us struggle or succeed, she’ll be less afraid of failure and more curious about her own abilities.

What’s building confidence in the girls in your life?

How are you building confidence in the girls in your life? What built your confidence as a child? Share your tips in the Lean In community.

— Julie Alvin