How Working Parents Can Lighten the Mental Load

Dear Lean In,

My husband and I both have careers we love, our kids are thriving, and we genuinely share the load at home. So why does everything still feel like chaos?

—Am I Doing This Right?

Dear Am I Doing This,

First, let’s reframe how you’re looking at this. You have a career you love, a partner who shows up, and kids who are thriving. Those are the core ingredients of a successful life—and you have all of them. The chaos isn’t evidence that something is wrong. It’s the background noise of a very full, very good life.

That said, there’s also some research on how to make work-life balance with kids more attainable:

1. Let some things go—on purpose. Tiffany Dufu’s Drop the Ball argues that lowering your standards in some areas isn’t defeat—it’s strategy. Dufu asks, What is your highest and best use? In other words, what can only you do? Prioritize those things—reading to your kids, nailing a high-visibility project at work—and deprioritize the rest, like whether your kids have the ideal outfit for tomorrow.
2. Do chores with your kids, not around them. Folding laundry together, cooking side by side—these count as quality time. And they build habits that will serve your whole family as your kids get older and can contribute more.
3. Audit the mental load, not just the task list. Sit down with your husband and map out not just who does what, but who thinks about what—who remembers the dentist appointment, who tracks when the school form is due, who notices when a kid seems off. Dufu even recommends a shared spreadsheet to make the invisible visible. If one person carries a greater part of the mental load, redivide it more fairly.

Also remember, this is a season: as your kids get older, the load will get lighter.

Warm wishes and good luck,

—Dr. Mary Noble-Tolla

Director of Research and Content, LeanIn.Org