Q&A: The New Rules for a Satisfying Marriage, with Stephanie Coontz

Stephanie Coontz is the Director of Research and Public Education for the Council on Contemporary Families and emeritus faculty of History and Family Studies at The Evergreen State College in Olympia, Washington. She is the author of six books on gender, family, and history. Her latest book, For Better and Worse: The Complicated Past and Challenging Future of Marriage, was released in May 2026.

Q: At Lean In, we often talk about how choosing a supportive partner can be key to a woman’s professional success. You write about how egalitarianism may be a new path to marital satisfaction. Sharing chores is tied to happier marriages, and women earning more or being more educated than their husbands used to raise their risk of divorce, but it no longer does. I’m curious why you think this has shifted.

Yes, choosing a supportive partner can make a key contribution to a woman’s professional success, and nowadays, BEING a supportive partner is increasingly key to a man’s relationship success. As the social norms, economic arrangements, and laws that once made women dependent on getting and staying married have fallen away, their expectations have risen — and so has their ability to walk away from an unsupportive relationship. But there are still habits and misconceptions both men and women bring from the past that sabotage the equality most of us want, and these intensify when babies arrive.

Q. Talk to me about the difficulties that emerge with women and work when couples have kids.

It’s hard for both parents to take time off together, especially with our woefully inadequate parental leave policies, and it makes sense for the woman to do it first while recovering from childbirth or nursing. But she loses out on experience in the work world, while her husband loses out on experience in the home world. Those dynamics tend to solidify really quickly, and the sense that she’s the go-to home and childcare expert often persists even when she goes back to work, generating long-term tensions.

That’s why paternity leave, especially paternity leave when the mom is at work, is so important, to accustom men to the demands of childcare and housework in a home with a child. Men who take paternity leave do more housework and more emotional work with the kids even after their leave is over, which is probably why several studies find fewer arguments and lower divorce rates among couples where men have taken leave.

Q. You write about how “benevolent sexism” can seem appealing but ultimately holds women back. What does benevolent sexism look like in the workplace?

Supportive employers often give women more flexible hours or less demanding tasks. But even if meant as a generous gesture, in the long run that can be bad because those are not the kinds of things that lead to promotion or are considered to show dedication to the company.

Q. In light of what we know about more egalitarian relationships, what do you have to say about the “tradwife” trend, where marriages have rigid gender roles and the man is head of the household?

It’s one thing to have a weekend free to make cookies, it’s another thing to spend your life doing that and not pursue other goals or interests. And of course you have no protection if you’re left by your husband or if he gets abusive. We tried this before, after WWII, and it was women who had devoted themselves exclusively to homemaking, or daughters who’d seen how miserable or repressed their mothers were, who spearheaded the feminist movement.

Q. The benefits of an egalitarian marriage are probably clear to the women in our audience. What are the benefits of an egalitarian marriage for men?

Most women find it attractive when men pull their weight at home, so egalitarian couples tend to report more satisfying sex. Men who do their fair share of housework actually report higher relationship satisfaction than those who do not. Studies show that egalitarian relationships tend to become more satisfying over the years, while inegalitarian ones become less satisfying, no matter how strong the love seemed initially. And men who get intimately involved in childcare get tremendous long-term emotional and health benefits.