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Tips

What to Do if Your Partner's Job Always Comes First

Your questions, answered.

Written by
Mary Noble-Tolla
Last updated
This is for
Early Career WomenWorking MothersWomen in the Workplace
Topics
Career GrowthEqual Pay

Dear Lean In,

My husband and I both have demanding full-time jobs, but because I earn less, it’s become an unspoken rule that my career takes a back seat. I end up doing more of the childcare and housework–and when he needs extra time to work after hours, I’m the one who adjusts. I love my family, but I’m stretched thin and falling behind at work. How do I change this dynamic?

—Running on Empty

Dear Running,

This hits close to home for so many women, since we’re typically paid around one-fifth less than men. A smaller paycheck doesn’t mean you can phone it in at work. You still have deadlines, a boss, performance reviews, colleagues counting on you–and falling short can have real consequences for your career, your income, and your happiness.

  • Have an honest conversation at a calm moment. Name the pattern, explain what it’s costing you, and ask your husband for something specific: “I need you to handle bedtime solo three nights a week so I can work.” Share the upsides of making this change: equal division of household labor is linked to happier marriages and better outcomes for kids, so this isn’t just about you and your needs.
  • Explore paid help. A few extra hours of childcare or a cleaner can take real pressure off. Frame it as an investment in your family as well as your careers.
  • If he’s resistant, bring in a third party. Suggest a book (or podcast) like Fair Play by Eve Rodsky, which offers a concrete system to fix the labor imbalance in many households. Or if your husband is open to it, arrange a few sessions with a couples therapist. This can help you communicate your needs and establish new norms that everyone feels good about. It’s often easier to hear hard truths from a book or an outside person than from a partner.

In the meantime, block your work time on the calendar and treat it as nonnegotiable. Change may not happen overnight, but you can start signaling–to yourself and to him–that your job matters just as much as his.

Warm wishes,

— Dr. Mary Noble-Tolla, Director of Research and Content, LeanIn.Org