How to build a connection with anyone fast: A Q&A with Adam Grant

Organizational psychologist, author, and Wharton professor Adam Grant explains how to build a real connection with someone new, even when you have little in common. Adam is a Lean In board member. He co-wrote the best-selling book Option B: Facing Adversity, Building Resilience, and Finding Joy with LeanIn.Org founder Sheryl Sandberg, and his new book, Vibe: The Secrets of Strong Connections in a Lonely World, came out on October 13. In this issue of The Lead, we spoke to Adam about how to build connections — at work, and outside it.

Key Takeaways

• Go deeper than small talk. Meaningful conversations build bonds.
• Ask “What do you love to do?” instead of “What do you do?”
• Trying to understand someone’s challenges and be helpful to them can naturally build chemistry.
• Seek mentors unlike you. They can help you find a different path to your goal.

Your new book Vibe argues that people can build closeness and solidarity without being similar to one another. What’s the strongest evidence that people from different backgrounds can connect more easily than we think?

In a study at a summer camp, Israeli and Palestinian teens were 15.5 times¹ more likely to become close friends if they happened to be assigned to the same discussion group for just three weeks. Having meaningful conversations was more powerful than merely socializing or sharing meals or a bunk.

The more we feel together, the faster we bond together.

What’s a common but ineffective way people try to build rapport with colleagues who are unlike themselves, and what really works instead?

Many people start with small talk, but chitchat about the weather and traffic rarely creates a spark. Research by my colleague Rachel Arnett finds that it’s more effective to go deep by asking people about their backgrounds — what they’re proud of from their upbringing, and what difference they’ve found most challenging. Opening up about our unique cultural experiences humanizes us.

Is there an easy skill or habit anyone can practice to quickly create a “vibe” with someone new?

Instead of asking, “What do you do?” try asking, “What do you love to do?” When people share what lights them up, it’s easier to build chemistry and find common ground.

On your Substack, Granted, you write about how you built strong chemistry with someone after a single 30-minute Zoom call. What made that possible?

I wasn’t trying to build chemistry — I was just trying to be helpful. I asked about her biggest challenge, listened carefully to the problem she was facing, and offered some ideas and introductions for solving it.

Many women are told to seek mentors who look like them or share their path. What does your research say they lose or gain by doing so?

The upsides are familiarity and comfort. The downsides are redundant information and narrow advice.

The people who teach us the most aren’t always those who have traveled a similar path. They’re often those who have found different paths to a similar goal.

¹ Shannon White, Juliana Schroeder, Jane L. Risen. “When ‘enemies’ become close: Relationship formation among Palestinians and Jewish Israelis at a youth camp.” July 2021.