Step 1: Understand the importance of your response

Individual activity

2 min

Before your group begins the activities in this guide, remember that it’s crucial to respond sensitively when someone discloses sexual harassment.

We know that respectful, compassionate, and attentive listening can be healing. By contrast, controlling, blaming, or invalidating responses can exacerbate the damage. Even well-intentioned responses can cause harm. The good news is we can learn to respond well, starting with the recommendations in this guide.

Step 2: Use attentive body language

Individual activity

2 min

The right body language can make someone feel supported when they are telling you they’ve been harassed. Individually or as a group, review these dos and don'ts:

• Sit upright and lean forward to show you’re paying attention.
• Use gestures like nodding to encourage the speaker.
• Make appropriate facial expressions of sympathy and understanding. Avoid smiling or raising your eyebrows at inappropriate moments (for example, when hearing about a sad topic).
• Stay focused on the speaker.
• Don’t fidget or interact with your phone.
• Maintain consistent eye contact–look directly at the person for periods of three to six seconds, then look away briefly before reconnecting.

Step 3: Do a body language check

Pair or group activity

5 min

Take a moment to focus on your own body language. Are your arms crossed? Are you leaning toward the group or away? What’s your facial expression? Try changing your body language to signal empathy and compassion.

With the group or with your partner, take turns answering these questions:

• How did you feel when you used more attentive body language?
• How did it feel to see others in the group—or your partner—do the same?

Step 4: Find the right words

Individual or group activity

10 min

When someone tells you about an experience of harassment, it’s important to use language to support and encourage them. As a group or individually, read through these examples of what to say and what not to say:

What to say

Focus on their experience rather than your own and only give advice when it’s requested.
Offer affirming responses like “mmm,” “uh-huh,” or “oh my gosh” to convey that you’re listening and engaged.
Name or reflect back the emotion being described:
• “Wow—sounds like it was scary for you.”
• “You must have felt very disappointed by that.”
• “That must’ve made you angry.”
Ask questions that require more than one word in response. Instead of asking, “Was that scary?” ask questions like:
• “Could you tell me a little bit more about that?”
• “What was it like for you?”
• “What do you mean when you say ____?”
Validate the person’s emotions in a sincere way:
• “If that happened to me, I imagine I’d feel really overwhelmed too.”
• “Given your experience, it makes sense you’d feel/say/do ____.”
• “I think many people would have felt similarly.”
Point out the person’s strengths:
• “I’m amazed at how much courage that took.”
• “You’ve done a great job keeping everything in perspective.”
• “I’m impressed with how you’ve dealt with this.”

What NOT to say

Don’t change the subject or ask off-topic questions. Although this may seem like a way to avoid an uncomfortable conversation, it can hurt the person telling you their story.
Don’t immediately start talking about your own experience.
Don’t minimize the person’s experience in an attempt to reassure them. For example, these phrases aren’t helpful:
• “That happened so long ago; maybe you should try to move on.”
• “It’s not worth the energy to keep thinking about it.”
• “Don’t be scared.”
Don’t make judgments about their responses or decisions. Avoid saying things like:
• “Couldn’t you do/say ____ instead?”
• “I don’t think you should worry about it anymore.”
• “I think it’d be better for you to ____.”
• “Why don’t you ____?”

Step 5: Reflect on your experiences of being listened to

Individual activity

2 min

Think back to how people have responded to you when you told them something difficult.

• Do you recall a time when you were met with an invalidating response?
• How did it make you feel?

Spend a few moments thinking about this experience. Then commit to doing your best as a listener.