Meeting Guide
Boys: Circle Discussion Guide
Overview
Tilted: A Lean In Podcast brings you conversations at the intersection of gender and culture. We dig into topics we’re curious about, highlight inspiring people and stories, and share expert advice to help you make the playing field a little less tilted. Individually or as a group, listen to “Helping boys get out of the ‘man box’” with Peggy Orenstein & Dr. Michael Reichert in Season 2 of Tilted (available here). Use the questions below for a group discussion on the themes and ideas shared in the episode.
About this episode
- We know gender stereotypes hurt girls. But what are they doing to boys? From a young age, our society tells boys they must be dominant and tough. They learn not to show vulnerability or ask for help. That emotional suppression makes it hard for boys to cope with, well, everything—and it’s painful for the people who love them, too. So this week on Tilted, we’re talking about how toxic masculinity puts boys in "man boxes" and how we can help them get out. We’re joined by two experts on the topic - Peggy Orenstein, author of Boys and Sex, and Dr. Michael Reichert, author of How to Raise a Boy.
Check-In
Group activity
5 minutes or less
An icebreaker is a powerful tool to help us become present with one another and ourselves. Use this icebreaker to see how your Circle members currently feel. Go around your Circle and share an update on how you’re feeling using the traffic light colors:
- Green (mostly good)
- Yellow (mixed feelings, unsure, or just OK)
- Red (mostly not doing great)
You can also briefly share why you’re feeling that way if you’d like.
Discussion Questions
Group activity
Approx. 35 minutes
These questions are designed to help you and your Circle members process and discuss the findings of the episode.
Have someone in the group read aloud the key takeaways from this episode, summarized below:
- Help young boys name their emotions. Many boys learn to express any strong feeling as anger—by saying, “you seem sad” or, “that must be frustrating,” you can help them connect to what’s really going on.
- Give boys deep, sustained attention. Focus on validating their feelings, interests, and ideas instead of trying to mold them to fit an expectation.
- If a boy in your life is acting out, don’t just discipline him—ask him what’s behind the behavior and make a real effort to understand. Hold space for his feelings and help him process them so he can learn to manage those feelings better in the future.
- Break the “sex talk” into lots of smaller talks. Look for opportunities to discuss accountability, consent, pleasure, how sex is depicted in media, etc. These conversations can be spontaneous. Peggy recommends bringing up tough topics on car rides (no eye contact!).
As a group, discuss the following questions. Pick one question to start with and move on to the other questions if you have time.
- What was expected of boys when you were growing up? Which of those expectations were explicit, and which were unspoken? Is there anything that you hope will or won’t be expected of the next generation of boys?
- When you’ve interacted with younger boys, what assumptions have you made about their thoughts, feelings, interests, and behaviors? How do those assumptions change for older boys (e.g., teenagers)? How might your assumptions play into—or counteract—harmful gender stereotypes?
- What do you think the boys and men in your life need from you in order to feel safe showing emotion and vulnerability? How can you help them get out of the “man box”?
One Action
Group activity
Approx. 10 minutes
Come up with a One Action
Individual activity
Approx. 5 minutes
We recommend you close every meeting by committing to a “One Action”—one concrete thing you’re going to do before your next Circle meeting to step outside your comfort zone, practice a new skill, or try something new, based on what you’ve discussed today.
Next time you meet, update your Circle on your One Action (what you did and how it went).
This month, think about an action you can take to encourage the boys and men in your life to feel safe sharing their emotion and vulnerability.
Take a few minutes and ask everyone to write down their One Action.
Share your One Action with your Circle
Group activity
Approx. 5 minutes
One by one, go around your Circle and and complete the following statement: I commit to [small step] to encourage the boys and men in my life to feel safe sharing their emotion and vulnerability.
Move quickly from member to member, and consider cheering one another on as you go.
Wrap-Up
Group activity
Approx. 10 minutes
Finalize logistics of your next meeting
Group activity
Approx. 5 minutes
Before you break, make sure you have the basics covered for your next meeting, including day and time. Decide what you’re going to do, when you are going to meet next, and who is going to send out ideas. You may also want to talk through what worked—and what didn’t—in today’s meeting so you can brainstorm improvements going forward.
Close on an uplifting note
Group activity
Approx. 5 minutes
Think of one small moment of joy you can plan for this week. Go around your Circle one by one and share what you’ll do. Alternatively, take a few minutes to write down something you’re grateful for—and share it with the group, if you’d like to.
