How to raise girls to be confident and empowered

Key takeaways

• Girls' self-belief drops by 30% between ages 8 and 14 — and by age 14, girls' confidence is 27% lower than boys'. Parental support is one of the strongest factors that can reverse it
• Two-thirds of girls aged 8–17 hold back from speaking their minds because they don't want to be seen as unlikable
• Girls fear failure more than boys do across the world, largely due to the messages they receive from adults — and parents can directly change that
• The good news: there are highly effective, research-backed steps caregivers can take — and they work best when started early and practiced consistently

Step 1: How can parents raise girls to be leaders?

• Focus on self-efficacy over praise. Give your daughter real opportunities to do hard things, manage setbacks, and solve problems on her own — then step back and let her.
• Research shows that the experience of mastering challenges, not being told she's capable, is what actually builds the leadership mindset.

Step 2: When should In start teaching leadership skills to my daughters?

• The earlier we can start empowering our girls and encouraging them to lead, the better
• From around ages 6–8, research shows girls begin to lose confidence in their skills and become more risk-averse — even when their actual abilities haven't changed
• This accelerates in the tween years: a 2023 survey found just 55% of girls felt confident, down from 68% in 2017, and 55% said they were afraid to lead because they didn't want to be called bossy
• The decline in confidence is not inevitable: intentional parental support can counteract it
• Small, cumulative experiences across childhood matter more than any single program or conversation in the teen years
• Leadership identity is built over years, not in one talk — so adults should start early and stay consistent

Step 3: How do I build my daughter's confidence and self-efficacy?

• Self-efficacy — the belief that you are capable of succeeding — is one of the strongest predictors of leadership, academic performance, and resilience in teenagers
• The most effective way to build it is through direct experience of mastery: give your daughter frequent opportunities to do genuinely hard things and succeed
• Start with manageable challenges and raise the stakes as she grows
• Around age 11: Let her handle low-stakes practical tasks independently — emailing a teacher about a missed assignment, handling a complaint at a store, arranging her own plans. Resist doing it for her; these small wins accumulate into a durable sense of "I can handle things"
• Around age 13–14: Raise the stakes deliberately — encourage her to try out for something competitive, take on a leadership role in a club, or tackle a subject she finds hard. Be aware that adults often jump in too quickly to help girls — particularly in STEM and sports — unintentionally signaling that she can't manage on her own
• Around age 15–17: Introduce real-world challenges — negotiating a work schedule, navigating a conflict with a coach or teacher herself, or taking on a project with genuine stakes. Research shows teens with strong self-efficacy experience less anxiety and bounce back faster from setbacks — and that resilience is built through experiences she owns, not ones you smooth out for her
• At every age: let your daughter see you do hard things and talk openly about them — research shows teens build self-efficacy by watching the adults in their lives manage challenges

Step 4: How do I help my daughter speak up and use her voice?

• Research shows as many as two-thirds of girls aged 8–17 hold back from speaking their minds because they fear being seen as unlikable — this pattern sets in gradually, and the antidote is graduated practice
• Around age 11: Build the daily habit of asking for what she needs — ordering her own food, calling to reschedule an appointment. Ask her "What do you think?" regularly and wait for a real answer rather than filling the silence
• Around age 13–14: Help her name her fears rather than dismiss them — ask "What are you afraid might happen if you speak up?" and "What's the best thing that could happen?" Role-play responses to specific situations so the words feel familiar before the moment arrives: "That didn't feel great to hear" or "Please don't talk about me that way"
• Around age 15–17: Encourage her to speak up in higher-stakes contexts — disagreeing with a teacher respectfully, advocating for herself in a job or internship, or pushing back in a group where she's the only girl. These are the moments that build the kind of voice she'll carry into adulthood
• At every age: share stories of times you spoke up when it felt risky — and be honest about what it cost you to stay silent. Girls learn as much from watching you as from anything you tell them

Step 5: How do I help my daughter deal with failure and keep going?

• Girls fear failure more than boys do across the globe — in part because adults hold girls to higher standards and criticize them more when they fall short, leading girls to internalize mistakes more deeply
• The antidote is a growth mindset: the belief that abilities can be developed with effort. Research shows it leads to better learning and greater resilience — and growth mindset interventions close the achievement gap between boys and girls, with girls' scores improving the most
• Praise effort consistently, even when the outcome isn't what she hoped: get excited about how hard she worked, not just the grade or the win
• When your daughter makes a mistake, ask "What did you learn?" and share examples from your own life of efforts that didn't go as planned and what you took from them
• Help her add "yet" to negative self-talk: "I can't do this — yet" is a small language shift with strong research support

Step 6: How do I help my daughter set bold, healthy goals?

• Create relaxed, open conversations about aspirations — in the car, at dinner — not formal sit-downs; ask "Where do you see yourself next year? How do you want to feel?"
• Help her connect goals to her own values: research shows that when teens pursue goals aligned with their values, their resilience, well-being, and chances of success all improve
• Actively coach her to resist external pressure: help her notice when she's pursuing a goal because it matters to her, versus because someone else expects it
• Help her see when her standards are too high: ask "What sacrifices are you making when you're trying to be perfect?" and remind her that progress — not perfection — is the goal.
• Ambition and drive are powerful assets — what you're teaching her is to direct that energy toward goals that are genuinely hers

Step 7: Why should you expose your daughter to strong role models?

• Research confirms that role models with a visible growth mindset — who talk openly about effort, struggle, and learning — are more motivating for girls than those who simply appear successful
• Let your daughter see you do hard things: apply for new jobs, learn new skills, speak up in difficult situations — and talk to her about how you manage the fear and uncertainty
• Share stories from your own experience of times you spoke up, took a risk, or pushed through failure — and be honest about what it cost you to stay quiet or play it safe
• Introduce her to a wide range of female leaders — in sports, science, business, politics, and the arts. And make sure she spends in-person time with women you know and respect, including relatives and your friends and colleagues
• Research shows that when girls are introduced to a more expansive definition of leadership, they are more likely to see themselves as leaders

Step 8: How do I talk to my daughter about gender bias — and actually prepare her for it?

• Most parents talk to daughters about gender bias, but only two in five discuss how it might impact their daughters personally — and that gap has real consequences for girls' outcomes
• Girls who hear honest messages from caregivers about the realities of gender bias tend to have better outcomes than those who don't; pretending bias doesn't exist leaves girls more frustrated and less equipped when they encounter it
• Balance real talk with empowerment: acknowledge discrimination, then pivot to your daughter's concrete strengths and achievements — vague praise like "you can be anything" can fuel perfectionism; specific affirmation of real accomplishments works better
• Use everyday moments as conversation starters: movies, sports coverage, stories from school — drop nuggets when she's open rather than lecturing
• Fathers matter: only one in three fathers have talked to their daughters about gender bias — but research shows men play a crucial role in signaling that bias is worth taking seriously

^Endnotes

1. For a review of research see Carol T. Kulik, Isabel Metz, and Jill A. Gould, “In the Company of Women: The Well-Being Consequences of Working with (and for) women,” in Handbook on Well-Being of Working Women, ed. Mary L. Connerley and Jiyun Wu (New York: Springer, 2016), 189; Sarah Dinolfo, Christine Silva, and Nancy M. Carter, High-Potentials in the Pipeline: Leaders Pay it Forward, Catalyst (2012); K. E. O’Brien, A. Biga, S.R. Kessler, and T.D Allen, “A Meta-Analytic Investigation of Gender Differences in Mentoring,” Journal of Management 36, no. 2, (2010): 537–554, http://jom.sagepub.com/content/36/2/537.short.
2. Romila Singh, Belle Rose Ragins, and Phyllis Tharenou, “Who Gets a Mentor? A Longitudinal Assessment of the Rising Star Hypothesis,” Journal of Vocational Behavior 74, no. 1 (2009): 11–17; and Tammy D. Allen, Mark L. Poteet, and Joyce E. A. Russell, “Protégé Selection by Mentors: What Makes the Difference?,” Journal of Organizational Behavior 21, no. 3 (2000): 271–82.
3. LeanIn.Org and McKinsey & Company, Women in the Workplace 2019 (September 2019), http://womenintheworkplace.com/ui/pdfs/Women_in_the_Workplace_2019.pdf?v=5.
4. Shelley Correll and Caroline Simard, “Research: Vague Feedback Is Holding Women Back,” Harvard Business Review, April 29, 2016, https://hbr.org/2016/04/research-vague-feedback-is-holding-women-back.
5. Ibid.
6. Sylvia Ann Hewlett et al., The Sponsor Effect: Breaking Through the Last Glass Ceiling, a Harvard Business Review Research Report (December 2010), 9–11, http://30percentclub.org/wp-content/uploads/2014/08/The-Sponsor-Effect.pdf